eien dake.... shinjiteta...

Jaejoong's yesterday's feigned stony icy expression literally broke something inside of me....... I've never saw anyone, in my life, looking so bitter while receiving such a prestigious award. His eyes were glazed all the time and watching him fighting mighty hard to suppress his feelings inside, right in front of my television made me want to cry my eyes out except that my aunt was there too and so were my niece and nephew, so I had to held all the emotions welled inside my heart and guard it with a fake smile plastered on my face.

He was never my favorite, explain why I never really ever spazz about him no matter how much a lot of timesometimes he look so gorgeous for me to ignore. But yesterday, I realized, my eyes were glued on him. I was really afraid to actually see him really break down and bawl on the floor, while dropping the cursedaward from his clutch. He was, I think at the verge of breaking down, seemed confuse if he should take the damn award or not.

I'm glad that both Yoochun and Junsu were there. Yoochun seemed solemn, although I do think that he is broken down inside but I think, this man really know when to be strong. Junsu was sturdier, and surprisingly seemed to take the lead, as if looking after both of his hyungs. He seemed to be the more calm and collected, maybe the sexy charisma that was given to him to carry wasn't fall on the wrong person.

I am pass hoping to see all 5 of them on the same stage in Korea, but all hopes aren't lost thinking that I still can look forward for their group activities in Japan. I'm waiting for the 2 programs to be aired and really glad that Best Hits Kayousai will aired sooner, next week. Since I don't know who are the artists lineup, I am more excited about the FNS, but since THSK will be in the program, there is a very good reason to be all excited, y/y?

Anyway, THSK, hwaiting!

-EDIT-

And the stage look so huge.... and empty

Just a quick post

My brother just got hospitalized....

Apparently, there's a hole on his lung and he was near suffocated because of the oxygen filled inside his lung, and the doctor has to puncture a hole to let the gas out so he can breath. The doctor said that his condition is rather critical......

I'm still at home, about to get out to go to the hospital......

A prayer for you, my dear brother. God, please let him through this well, Amin.

OMG!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

DEMMIT!! OK!! CALM DOWN IDIOT!!! CALM THE F**K DOWN!!!

*breathe in, breathe out*

Okay, why I'm freaking out is that tonight, I'm going to a concert, with VIP tixs (2VIP tixs) in hand..... VIP tixs.... VIP tixs... VIP tixs....

I'm going to be seated near all those VVIP guests of the show, and all of them are celebrity.... And now, I really do think I'm started to freak out!!!

OMG!!! Why am I like this!! Suddenly, I think I can't decide what to wear, what shoes to go with the outfit, don't have that much of accessories, and the possibility of going there alone is like 90%!!! OMG!!

OMFG!!!!! Someone, please shoot me!!

T________________________________________________T

Lately, I have the tendency to suddenly woke up in the middle of way-too-early-morning, and trying to get back to sleep is never that easy for me, so I'm doing this while trying to get myself to get back to sleep mode XDD

Snagging this idea from a post made by fiat_amorfati, now I introduce you Yunho's Loving Project national anthem *drum rolls*


( UNDER THE CUT BAYBEEHH )

"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood."

—Article 1 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR)



Also, human are free to have their own opinion and stand without having to follow the majority, or the one who hold the most power that could, in more ways than one, harm them, physically or emotionally. A lot of people that reach the age where they can differentiate between the good and bad, or whatever that they deem as good or bad know this, aware of this rights, even fight for it, alone or in with others that share the same notion with them.

But what funny is, the same doesn't hold true when the person was a criminal, or the mother of all evil because their opinion doesn't count by default. They are the bad people, one that manupulative and do a lot more harm than good. And apparently to the people that is not really bad, not a criminal, and not in any way the mother of all evil, that happened to side with these people for God knows what reasons, although their reasons and stand were heard, but they are discriminated because, for God's sake, they are with those "bad" people. What "sane" people would do that?

Why weren't they just follow the flow.

Follow the majority, you fcuking idiots!

You are brothers, you should support each other!!

Regardless, when a certain person especially the one that we look up upon, or those that we admired, stand at the opposite side of the road from the rest, these people would always ended up being treated unjustly, simply because for having their own stand and opinion. Simply because, they are not in the majority group. Simply because YOU are not doing the things all these people want you to do.

3 to 2. No matter how you look at it, you will always at the loosing end. No matter how sound your reasons might be, they are meaningless because you are NOT DOING THE FUCKING THINGS THAT THESE SO CALLED MAJORITY UNIT WANT YOU TO DO!! So when things didn't work out the way these majority unit want it to be, there are always someone, or maybe 2 people that they can put the blame on.

Just because, for acting as a human with the right for having their own opinion and stand on their own 2 feet.

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
naeve14 goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Marie Antoinette.
fiat_amorfati gives you 15 light yellow passionfruit-flavoured jawbreakers.
junsu_hyung gives you 5 brown strawberry-flavoured gumdrops.
limerence_love gives you 11 milky white orange-flavoured gummy worms.
march_kyo tricks you! You lose 3 pieces of candy!
mi_iseul gives you 7 teal pineapple-flavoured gumdrops.
renaldomoon tricks you! You get a wad of paper.
renichifreak gives you 15 brown tropical-flavoured gummy bats.
suah tricks you! You lose 44 pieces of candy!
sweet_delicacy tricks you! You lose 3 pieces of candy!
sycoraxsnow tricks you! You get a rotten egg.
naeve14 ends up with 3 pieces of candy, a wad of paper, and a rotten egg.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

REEREE you steals more candies from me!!!! *cries my heart out*

'When people praise us, we should always keep a close eyes on how we behave.'

'The critics never praise me.'

'I mean your readers: you've received more letters than ever. You'll end up believing that you're better than you are, and allow yourself to slip into a false sense of security, which could be very dangerous.'

'Ever since my visit to the cathedral in Vitoria, I do think I'm better than I thought I was, but that has nothing to do with readers' letters. Absurd though it may seem, I discovered love.'

'Great, what I like about the book is the fact that, at no point, do you blame your ex-wife. And you don't blame yourself either.'

'I've learned not to waste my time doing that.'

'Good. The universe takes care of correcting our mistakes'

'Do you think Esther's disappearance was some kind of "correction", then?'

'I don't believe in the curative powers of suffering and tragedy; they happen because they're part of life and shouldn't be seen as punishment. Generally speaking, the universe tells us when we're wrong by taking away what is most important to us: our friends. And that, I think I'm right in saying, is what was happening with you.'

'I learned something recently: our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appeared at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives. When things were bad last year, various people I had never even seen before turned up to "console" me. I hate that.'

'I've had the same thing happen to me.'

'But I'm very grateful that you came into my life Marie.'

'Don't be too grateful too son, our relationship isn't strong enough. AS a matter of fact, I've been thinking of moving to Paris or asking you to come and live in Milan: it wouldn't make any difference to either of us in terms of work. You always work at home and I always work away. Would you like to change the subject now or shall we continue discussing it as a possibility?'

'I'd like to change the subject.'

'Let's talk about something else then. It took a lot of courage to write that book. What surprises me, though, is that you don't once mention the young man.'

'I'm not interested in him.'

'You must be. Every now and again you must ask yourself: why did she choose him?'

'I never ask myself that'

'You're lying. I'd certainly like to know why my neighbor didn't divorce his boring, smiling wife, always busy with the housework, the cooking, the children and the bills. If I ask myself that, you must too.'

'Are you saying I hate him because he stole my wife?'

'No, I want to hear you say that you forgive him.'

'I can't do that.'

'It's hard I know, but you've no option. If you don't do it, you'll always be thinking of the pain he caused you and that pain will never pass. I'm not saying that you've got to like him. I'm not saying you should seek him out. I'm not suggesting you should start thinking of him as an angel. What was his name now? Something Russian wasn't it?'

'It doesn't matter what his name was.'

'You see? You don't even want to say his name. Are you superstitious?'

'Mikhail. There you are, that's his name.'

'The energy of hatred won't get you anywhere but the energy of forgiveness, which reveals itself through love, will transform your life in a positive way.'

'Now you're sounding like Tibetan sage, spouting stuff that is all very nice in theory, but impossible in practice. Don't forget, I've been hurt before.'

'Exactly, and you're still carrying inside you the little boy, the school weakling, who had to hide his tears from his parents. You still bare the marks of skinny little boy who couldn't get a girlfriend and who was never any good at sport. You still haven't managed to heal the scars left by some of the injustices committed against you in your life. But what good does that do?'

'Who told you about that?'

'I just know. I can see it in your eyes, and it doesn't do you any good. All it does is feed a constant desire to feel sorry for yourself, because you were the victim of people stronger than you. Or else it makes you go to the other extreme and disguise yourself as an avenger ready to hit out the people who hurt you. Isn't that a waste of time?'

'It's just human'

'Oh, it is. But it's not intelligent or reasonable. Show some respect for your time on this earth, and know that God has always forgiven you and always will.'

Excerpt from Paulo Coelho's "The Zahir"

I'm trying to get back on my reading and trying to finish this book that I've been holding up and put it back down for months and on.... *sighs* I NEED TO FINISH THIS BOOK OR ELSE I CAN'T MOVE ON TO MY NEXT BOOK!!!

What I want....

1. A red and black checkered jacket.... Well, I need a new jacket, one that longer over your waist. Been searching for that but mostly were double breasted that doesn't really look good if you don't button it up... hheeeerrrmmmm....

2. A pair of new gladiators, the older ones broken already and I just loooove gladiator.... maybe I'll go and look for it during lunch time.. XD

3. A new printed t-shirt; I am into printed t-shirt now thanks to DBSK's influence XDD

4. A pair of black skinny jeans <--- GOOD NEWS!!! I can actually fit in size 4 back again!! YYYAAAAYY!!!! *throws confetti*

5. More $$$$

I feel oddly good today despite being sleepy and all :)

JUNG YUNHO

The one man who I held responsible for dragging my feet into this fandom. For being responsible of my absolute biasness. For being responsible for making me disregard everything that people keep saying about you, the bad and the not so good, the flaws that marred your supposedly shining and perfect outlook. For making me forgive you even when you started to let go the things that you should do, as what other people or fans wanted, indicated, expected for you to do and be the leader that bestowed on you upon DBSK borne into this world.

For just being you....

The smart, kind hearted, warm, friendly, silly, adorable, considerate, talented....

For just being you....

Stupid, imperfect, ignorant....

For just being you, who seemed to live your life by wearing rose-colored glasses

For just being you, who on the eyes of alot of people out there, betrayed the people that you should support through life and death...

Traitor....

A coward....

For just being you, for sticking to your principle, for not following the flow, for having your own thinking....

For disagreeing....

For having different priorities....

For the utter silence that breaks me apart, left me helpless on what am I suppose to do to not make anymore people hate you, diss you.... misunderstand you...

For making me cry as I type this out...

I love you for who you are. The Jung Yunho that I know, the smart, kind hearted, always trying his hardest to be the best, trying his best to be the back bone to the group (although sometimes you would fail gloriously), trying not to shed your tears in front of your fans, trying to support your family, trying to be the best of friend for your best friends (who sometimes would take advantage on you), silly, adorable, imperfect...

The Jung Yunho that I come to adore through the short time I've been in this fandom..

And I will always support you, as the leader of one of my most favorite kpop band, as individual on, your own. No matter what happen, what is the outcome, even when most people would start to leave your side, I'll always remain here, even though I am as good as non existance in your life

Hwaiting, Jung Yunho!! Hwaiting Dong Bang Shin Ki!!!

~ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH~

After spending so much time with my 2 yr old nephew and a year old niece, I found out something that rather ironic....

"Babies growing up smothered with hugs and kisses and love filled to the brim, so when they grown up they would learn to give hugs and kisses and love to others, just as much as they were given before"

Hhheeee.... I love those 2 little kiddies so much! *gives virtual hugs and kisses and love to both Kashfi and Zahra*

On yesterday's newspaper,

A barely 2 yr old girl, died after she got beaten up by her dad for playing with his cigarettes and eventually ripped it to pieces. She suffered from severe injury that ripped her main aorta that caused her death.

A 3 yr old girl, died after she was abused physically, raped and sodomized by her mother's Sudanese boyfriend. And apparently, the mother is held in custody as well after allegedly forging a report that her daughter's death was caused by being abused by her maid, where after investigation, the police learnt that the mother never hire a maid. Her boyfriend was a student at a local college and currently unemployed.


My point, what the hell is happening with these so called human nowadays?

I haven't gone to any beach for the longest time in my life, probably for the good 5 years? There's no beach anywhere near where I live when thinking about it again, I used to spend more than half of my life creating footprints all over the beaches as I live as a girl growing up in a tiny beautiful island of Labuan. I even got stung by a jelly fish, and luckily the bangle like scar that once looked like as if it was tattooed forever on my right leg, already vanished.

But the memory still lingered, of going to the seaside with my siblings and friends to pick up clamps, or if we were lucky enough, we would find huge ass oyster, playing with the little boat that was tied near the beach by the villagers, or when there were blocks of stranded timbers floating around and we would play with it as if it were a makeshift boat, those were the time when I was as carefree as any other child, with no worries over anything under the sun. I missed to have that childlike feel again...

Anyway, why am I talking about beaches and stuff, is because, today I'm going away on a 1N2D vacation to one of the most famous beach in Malaysia, the Port Dickson, and I seriously can't wait for us to go in an hour!! I'm excited!! My sis, with her hubby, niece and nephew and my aunt, including me, we will stay at an apartment there! YAYYY!! I seriously can't wait!! We'll have BBQ and stuff and although I'm not sure if I will ever step into the water, but I know I'll enjoy myself really!!

Okay, need to go and take a bath and wooshh!! I'm off! Will be back tomorrow!! Byebii!!

( I'M CALLING IT CRAZY COZ I'M DOING IT AT WORK!! )

I woke up at 4++ am with a funny feeling inside my stomach. It's like something biting and eating up my intestine and I felt like wanting to purge.... again...

And I did! Oh man!! But it took me almost an hour to vomit everything that I barely ate yesterday out and you all, who had experienced the same thing know how it feel. An hour worth of agony and pain that it should have been the best time to continue sleep...

Seriously, lately my body works very strangely. I lost appetite and I'm eating less, and it made me really worry. It feels like I'm having an eating disorder syndrome and I believe my weight is dropping!! Oh gawd!!! Last time I weighed around 57k, and for someone with my height (174cm) that was pretty much borderline.... I think, I need to go and see the doctor! Plus I just got my medical card so it is good that I can finally make a good use to it. URGGHHHH!!! I seriously don't feel good to go to work today!!!

Anyway, if anyone who ever read this barely updated journal, might be aware of the post that I made previously, about someone who irritated me to no end, I think it was 2 post earlier? Sorry too lazy to link.... It looks like he told something to my sister and she was literally upset with me.

The story is like this, yesterday morning while driving my mom to her office, we were talking about usual stuff and suddenly she dropped the bomb (yeah, my sis told my mom about it but me!!)

Mom: What have you said to that man?
Me: HUH?
Mom: Your sis's friend
Me: Eh? uh, why?
Mom: Well, your sis was upset about it
Me: *sigh* Ma, do you think I like doing it to someone else like that too? I HAVE NO CHOICE! The main thing is, why did she gave my no to a stranger without asking me about it first. I think I am the one who should be really mad about it!

And blablablabla..

Apparently the way I told him off was kinda rude and I think he felt offended and told (or maybe my sis asked about it I dunno) sis whatever I've texted him at that time. It wasn't like I didn't feel sorry after that. But I have to do it. I know her intention was good but still, I DON'T LIKE IT. Even when she said that we can just be friend but I don't want it coz it seemed to me that the guy wanted more than just friendship, and I seriously don't like that idea. PERIOD!

I hope this will be a good lesson for her, to at least ask me first for anything, especially regarding something as personal as my mobile phone no.

And now, its my mom's turn of wanting to match me up with a boy 3 years younger than me.... I really feel like stabbing someone. Or maybe my age!! GAWD!!! Why are everyone trying to be a cupid when I don't even need one!!! *cries*

Good morning.... well, not really a very good morning for me... I just don't feel really well...

Anyway, I'm suppose to be out right now, to MVC for the meet-up with Lyne but right after she called me, I felt like I'm having a motion sickness and the next thing I know, I was faced down on my bathroom sink (I seriously cannot do that on a toilet bowl, coz it was disgusting, to me) and purge everything but nothing, just a whole bucket of bitter bile. I felt like crap! Not to mention the crappy feeling inside my mouth and my throat. Oh God!! I seriously don't feel really good....

I felt bloated since morning and my tummy, looks like I'm 2 month pregger, with non-existance baby not in my uterus but in my tummy...... Urgh! Maybe I shouldn't have drink that mixed cocktail (non-alcoholic) at last night's open house party. It got carbonated drinks that made me bloated the day after. But I can't resist the temptation!! And it tasted good as well!!

Anyway, I'm going to lie down a bit, and get change and get my butt outta my room... My head spins and seriously, I need to stop typing and just lie down..... URGH!!

Oh, I bought a new handbag!!! Its huge and have a lot of compartment!! Me likey so muchy!!! Just something to lift up my mood XDD

Why do people can't take the easiest signal that I don't even want to know them and by the way that I've been ignoring "nicely" with their advances, why can't they take the cue as it is time for them to just go away and stop trying to contact me! Why do you need to do that to the extent of driving me off the wall and brought out that nasty side of me. You are seriously, seriously mad me fucking mad!!

I am the sort of person who once I made up my mind on something, there's no way in hell I would ever change my mind after that, especially regarding my feelings and relationship with others. I would say that I am a rather relatively a nice person, I tried hard not to hurt anyone even if that person seriously pissing me off. I WON'T BUDGE! No matter how much effort you poured in trying to get my attention, I WOULD NEVER EVER BUDGE. Call me cruel or whatever, but I seriously hate it to accept something based on sympathy. Even to my best friends, if the things that they want from me is something that I seriously can't give or entertain to their request, I would reject it, FLAT. No compromise at all.

Of course, those decisions made after I think thoroughly, weighing down all the pros and cons. Especially to those people that really matter to me. But a NO is still a NO, even if you beg me on your knees. So please, while I'm being really really nice, try to take the signal and move on to someone else who would appreciate those effort more than I can ever do....

I have to do this.... NO! It is more like I WANT TO DO THIS! I need to desperately get it out of my chest, head or even my stomach!

So....

Here goes.....

Nothing...



A friend recommended me a fic to read *laughs* Sorry for it just being me reading a fic, but there's more to it that I just need to do this. Most of you out there, especially those who knows me better at how lazy I am at doing any kind of update, this shouldn't be just another post of mine.

So what I'm trying to say here is, the fic that I'm reading left quite an impact on me. It is so emotional that it wrecked havoc inside of me. Like a friend said, it doesn't have complicated plot, but the emotional rollercoaster it gave to me made me on edge all the time. It was sweet and loving one moment, and suddenly out of nowhere, everything turned upside down in just a split second!! I think I have the most unhealthy and irregular heartbeat when i read this fic.

What got me the most is in fact, the subject that the author chose to dwell on is close to RL, it could easily really happened to the main characters. They are battling with their own feelings, and the helplessness of not being able to voiced it out, being all open with the passion they have for each other or even admitting that they do actually NEED and LOVE each other undid me! I cried reading it.... Especially at the last few paragraph from the latest chapter..... And it left me being emotionally unstable, up until now...

So much for being effected by a mere fic, so I can say it here that the author did a brilliant job at making me feel all the feelings he/she intended for the readers to feel.

If anyone here interested to read it, you can find it here http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SnailTrail/ The pairing is, as usual, if you know me it would have.... No, it have to be Yunchun. And thanks syu_chun for recced it to me *hugs*

I got myself stamped by a hot burning iron!!

Like seriously, it was really hot and burning iron! I was ironing my mom's clothes when I just carelessly put the iron (hot and burning) a little way away from my line of sight and when i flipped my mom's clothes i accidentally (yeah, i really meant it accidentally!! stop glaring at me!!) touched my right arm (near my elbow area) at the tip of the hot and burning iron and yeah, as anyone of you who happened to ever have the opportunity to experience the same thing with me, you all know about it already what happened after that. now i am left with a beautifully 3 inches long burn mark on my right arm!! sheesh!! and it is sting like a bitch every time the gash being way too friendly with water!!! *shudders*

but then, i think my mood just got better with *coughs* as you can see at the title.... yeah retail therapy *laughs* i just bought a very nice Jane Holli's green apple purse and coin/name card holder at 1/2 the original price!!! if there wasn't special offer i need to fork out RM400 for both the items but, after the discount i only need to pay half of the amount!!! SUGOI JANAI!!!! and the purse/wallet is just so pretty that i have to buy it!!! it has this little heart dangling at the purse's flip cover! sooo cute!! i'll post the picture letter! heheheheheheheh

and the burn wound still hurt like a bitch! T___________________T

&& i just watched SS501's new MV, Young Saeng's solo song Nameless Memories and............. OMFG!! HYUNJONG SO DAMN GORGEOUS EVEN THOUGH HIS HAIR IS LIKE WTF BUT HE'S STILL GORGEOUS AND HOT LIKE A BURNING IRON THAT JUST GRAZE MY ARM AND IDKWHATTOSAYANYMORE!!!!!! kopemvoditu
arfuyhbfgkromgyrtujepcr,ftpohubthrs *dies*

just watch....


*sighs* Hyunjoong is just gorgeous!!

Title: Because of You
Pairings: YunChun
Rating: PG
Warnings: Errrmmmm.... totally harmless, I think..
Genre: Romance, fluffy
Disclaimer: Just the plot, if there's any of it...
Summary: Yoochun being a tease.... not really XD
A/N1: Inspired heavily by this video, so I made my own interpretation of what's happening at that time and as usual, adding my own version in it, coz I know I can! Dedicated to suah because I think maybe you need a bit of encouragement and love BB *hugs* I know this is not enough but I hope it can suffice a little... This is done in 2 hours which a miracle for me judging from the usual slowness of my writing fic and update *pats back*

A/N2: Unbeta-ed. Sorry for the obvious lacking in the grammar department *hides* And I purposely not using their name and to differentiate the he or him or his from Yunho and Yoochun is, Yunho's in italics. Sorry for being difficult!

You are a tease Yoochun-ah